jump with both feet

Mr. One is moving in with me..

I have commitment issues, trust issues, space issues, all the issues that would make it terrible for Mr. One to be moving in with me. My apartment and space was created to get over him. But here I am jumping with both feet. I can’t live on the edge of doubts, regrets and insecurities anymore. I got keys cut, I unpacked some of his boxes and I ordered internet and cable. Some days I will have to talk myself into it, but I am embracing the new life. I am probably sounding like this is the worst thing to happen to me. I am afraid of what could happen but I am also excited for the possibilities. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He knows the real me better than anyone else and he loves me despite it. I love him and no matter what everything will be okay.

alone

Maybe it’s because I have a hard time letting things and people go, but recently the past has been sneaking up on me. I have been having dreams. The dreams are more like re-living events from the past; mostly high school.

I felt alone in high school. I lived in a house with my mother and older brother. My mother had just begun dating, 5 years after her divorce. When she wasn’t working she was “out”. Her and her boyfriend had bought a trailer together, where they spend almost every weekend during the summer. When they weren’t there they were at his place. I’m not saying she did nothing to take care of us. She did occasionally bring home groceries. I never went hungry. The house was fairly well stocked. The problem lied with the brother and the mother was not there to intervene.

The brother was a selfish, self centered ass. He did drugs constantly, destroyed objects just for the fun, and left the door always unlocked so his exactly immature friends could come and go as they pleased. I never felt safe. Items and money were stolen from me. My home was stolen from me. I was isolated to my room.

Looking back I should have been angry. I hated them but mostly I hated myself. I hated the life I had and the helplessness of not being able to change it. I was anorexic for about 7 months. It had nothing to do with feeling fat or the way I looked. Food was the one thing I had control over and I used it as a way to punish myself. I also cut myself. I used razor blades and cut my arms. It seemed to be the only way to get the pain from the inside outside.

I left when I was 17. I would have left sooner if I could. I did try. It has been 7 years since I left and I never really looked back. My relationship has been repaired with my mother as she is now “there”. My relationship with my brother will never be the same. He has grown up but I still see him as a selfish, self centered ass. I am still damaged by my past but I also believe I am stronger. These dreams are still haunting so I wrote this down to get it all out. Some of it I am ashamed of and have hidden it from my future. It’s out there now and I can move on with my glued back together life.

mind over matter

I have something on my mind and although I can’t stop thinking about it I also can’t seem to say it out loud (or type it). So instead I will write about how my weekend was.

Friday

I met Mr. One downtown Toronto to watch a movie outside. They played Gnomeo and Juliet in Maple Leaf Square. I brought my real life picnic blanket and we cuddled romantically on pavement. Although it was crowded and uncomfortable I had a great time. I love seeing movies outside. I work in a windowless office, commute for 2 hours a day in my car and go home to do dishes and whatnot. It is nice to be outside as much as possible in the summer. It is Canada after all and we have to take what we can get. I would give the movie itself a 6/10. It had a few funny moments and it inspired me to incorporate a gnome into my future gardens.

Saturday

My 3^rd annual beerfest! I look forward to it every year and this year did not disappoint. The group got bigger (which broke into smaller subsets of groups), the beer got better, and once again I had a great time. I had some classics to wet my whistle [Rolling Rock (Pennsylvania), Corona (Mexico) etc], but tried a lot of new ones. I really should bring a notebook as I find it difficult to keep track of them all. A few good ones included Red Stripe (Jamaica), Erdinger (Denmark), and Banks (Caribean). A few interesting but not so good beers were 3 Brasseurs blond (Montreal), Gummie bear, and all of them at Great Lakes brewing (Ontario). I did however miss out on the Japanese beer once again. I’m sure it goes better with sushi anyways.

I have been interested in beer, the process, the types and the differences between countries. Just recently I have taken that interest more seriously and have been looking into creating my own at home. I haven’t started yet, but I have been doing a bit more reading to know what I might be getting myself into.

The Basics so far

Beer is essentially a fermented starch (mostly malted barley or wheat). First, the starch is mixed with hot water (called mashing) to create the wort (sugary syrup). The wort is “washed” to separate the grains. With every wash, the wort extracted is weaker thus producing a weaker beer. Hops (flavour and preservative) are added during a second boiling. The sooner it is added the more bitterness it contributes and the less aroma. The hopped wort is then fermented for weeks by brewer’s yeast. Once the beer is made a clarifying agent can be used to or it can be left cloudy (wheat beers). [Random fact: seaweed is used as a clarifying agent for vegan beers and wines.]

There. That worked as somewhat of a distraction from what I am really thinking about.

the hardest part of ending is starting again

I started a blog half a year ago while I was single and dating. I would blog about the boys and I how I felt. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I used my blog as an outlet for my feelings as well as my adventures. No one knew about it and it was a way for me to express myself in secret. Only 3 or 4 blog posts in, the boy I called “Mr. One” wanted to get serious with me. Mr. One is an ex-boyfriend. We dated young and long distance. When the distance faded I realized I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted so I ended it before it took over everything. I called him Mr. One because he was the closest to finding “the one” as I ever got. We broke up for 2 years (hence the single and dating and writing a blog) but remained pretty close friends. So when he came back and said he was ready to get serious I was nervous. I stopped writing the blog because I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t know how I felt or what was going to happen. I love him very much but I had been hurt and a wall had been built up between us. I was also still dating Mr. X. Basically, I had nothing to say.

I am finally ready to put my thoughts and words back out there. Mr. One and I are dating. Little by little the wall is crumbling down. I would be lying if I said that everything is perfect. I have doubts. I have worries. I even have regrets. But it has come to a crossroads with him and I. We either give it a shot now or we never do. It has potential to be the love of my life and I have to give it that chance. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, I will deal with that too as I have in the past.

What used to be a blog about dating and the single life is now about a girl starting a life and hopefully happiness.