alone

Maybe it’s because I have a hard time letting things and people go, but recently the past has been sneaking up on me. I have been having dreams. The dreams are more like re-living events from the past; mostly high school.

I felt alone in high school. I lived in a house with my mother and older brother. My mother had just begun dating, 5 years after her divorce. When she wasn’t working she was “out”. Her and her boyfriend had bought a trailer together, where they spend almost every weekend during the summer. When they weren’t there they were at his place. I’m not saying she did nothing to take care of us. She did occasionally bring home groceries. I never went hungry. The house was fairly well stocked. The problem lied with the brother and the mother was not there to intervene.

The brother was a selfish, self centered ass. He did drugs constantly, destroyed objects just for the fun, and left the door always unlocked so his exactly immature friends could come and go as they pleased. I never felt safe. Items and money were stolen from me. My home was stolen from me. I was isolated to my room.

Looking back I should have been angry. I hated them but mostly I hated myself. I hated the life I had and the helplessness of not being able to change it. I was anorexic for about 7 months. It had nothing to do with feeling fat or the way I looked. Food was the one thing I had control over and I used it as a way to punish myself. I also cut myself. I used razor blades and cut my arms. It seemed to be the only way to get the pain from the inside outside.

I left when I was 17. I would have left sooner if I could. I did try. It has been 7 years since I left and I never really looked back. My relationship has been repaired with my mother as she is now “there”. My relationship with my brother will never be the same. He has grown up but I still see him as a selfish, self centered ass. I am still damaged by my past but I also believe I am stronger. These dreams are still haunting so I wrote this down to get it all out. Some of it I am ashamed of and have hidden it from my future. It’s out there now and I can move on with my glued back together life.